I see more than anything in my friends, in my own life, and in popular culture that people are stuck in the same toxic relationship patterns. They meet someone new and when the romantic haze and phase of idealization wears off and they are faced with their “sh*t”, instead of taking responsibility for what happened, they blame the relationship’s problems on the other person or an entire gender. Yes, we live in a time where we are deep in the illusion of separation. Yes, relationships are increasingly hard these days because people are becoming more and more disconnected from themselves. But there are people out there who deeply want a true love relationship, and in order to find them, we need clear what’s in the way within us so that we can wholeheartedly receive this kind of love.

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Often, I see within mainstream culture that both men and women will blame their relationship problems on the world outside of them instead of facing the wounds that attract them to certain people. They say “all men are like this” or “all women are like this” or that there simply aren’t the “right people” out there for them and project their disappointment outwards by making excuses which can’t be resolved, as any externalized relationship issue leaves the responsibility on the world changing and not themselves. They perpetuate this wound of separation by not uniting their fragmented parts within.

For many years, I lied to myself too. I felt that I was so emotionally available and so loving and the problems I experienced in my relationships were mostly because I attracted the ‘wrong people’. Upon contemplation and years of meditation, I discovered that I actually wasn’t as open as I thought. I chased after emotionally unavailable people because of my own unhealed wounds wherein deep down I felt unworthy and unlovable. I didn’t want to fall in love with someone who could truly love me back, in fact, it was my hidden game plan to never let that happen. Because whenever someone did show genuine care and became truly interested in having a relationship with me, I became repulsed and basically lost interest. I was so good at finding and going after the most emotionally unavailable person in my field that I should have earned a PHD in “f*ckboys”, but truth was, I was actually the “f*ckgirl” myself — I was leading people on in order to get validation and attention, rather than for real companionship and intimacy.

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But what I discovered after all those years of witnessing those patterns in myself and in other people is that the number one reason why anyone keeps getting involved with emotionally unavailable people is because they hold a subconscious belief that they are unworthy of love, so this wound in them gravitates towards people who will not be able to give them the love they desire as a way of affirming itself that this internal belief is true. I discovered this because the more I worked on my childhood wounding (mainly around abandonment and not feeling “good enough”) the more I simply wouldn’t be attracted to people who would potentially recreate those same traumas. I was simply done with feeling that way.

This means I had to learn to say no. If I noticed someone had avoidant attachment patterns or wasn’t mature enough with their emotions to be kind to my heart, or they just straight-up told me they weren’t looking for a relationship — I would move on and naturally lose interest. I could do this because I had tended to my wounds and didn’t try and create my self-worth by trying to make people who couldn’t really love me, love me.

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I also discovered that if a man, or woman, truly wants to be with you and can hold space to welcome in a commitment then it will be extremely obvious. You will not be left guessing, interpreting their actions, trying to decode what certain words/texts mean, wondering what level of commitment they have to the relationship, or guessing how they feel. It will be very clear – because when a person is ready, emotionally available, and wants to be with you, they will naturally step up.

If you or them are ‘on the fence’ or giving mixed signals constantly, then it’s likely that they (or you) are either emotionally unavailable or they (or you) don’t want to be in the relationship currently, or long term. It’s possible that it’s mutual and deep down inside you both know that it’s not the right time or it’s not the right match.

Facing the truth of situations like these as fast as possible and ending them appropriately saves us a lot of time/energy and gives us the space to welcome in true connection. Once we let go of these emotionally consuming entanglements, it gives us time to create a deeper understanding of our knowledge of ourselves — and we can use that self-knowledge to create deeper relationships with the people around us.

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I had to get truly sick of dating certain people to learn to say no to these patterns and take time to work on my stuff, and it was then I realized that all along I was the emotionally unavailable person, the common denominator was me, and as long as I didn’t know how to generate love within myself I would continue to seek out people who couldn’t or didn’t know how to love me. It was me who was unwilling to give myself self-love and acceptance and therefore I went seeking for this externally.

Once we are willing to face our situation and work on finding ways to heal, love and accept ourselves, our whole life becomes a movement of a celebration of that love. When this happens, the people that we attract into our lives will change drastically.

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Another realization I had was big: I was using these relationships to distract me from the content of my own life. I also noticed that this is quite common; often people who feel “stuck” in their lives or do not have any clue of their purpose exhaust their field of creative energy by distracting themselves with relationships and/or by creating endless dramas within these relationships. They allow the rollercoaster of interpersonal emotions they are experiencing to serve as a cheap sense of entertainment when what their soul really cries for is inner fulfillment. The creative energy of love is wasted when they could be using it towards an act of love towards themselves and the whole world – by discovering themselves, their life purpose, and finding a way to bring the gift they have within themselves to that world.

Facing our basic psychological wounds is crucial because until we gain an understanding of ourselves, investigate why we do things and where our “impulses” and grasping comes from, we are doomed to repeat karmic and ancestral patterns within our personal lives — while our own inner life and individual purpose suffers. It is only when we reach for higher aims within our human relationships, to ourselves and to others, that our life can take on it’s higher purpose as well.

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Looking back, I can see got into relationships all the time even though I wasn’t emotionally or spiritually mature enough to be in those relationships. There was nothing wrong with me, I was simply deeply wounded and disconnected from myself. There was also nothing “wrong’ with the people I fell for as well, as they were wounded too. But not all was lost, as all of these so-called “bad relationships” I thought I had were merely catalysts and purifying agents to prepare me to experience, accept, and recognize true love by holding a mirror up to the parts of myself that were still locked up, closed down, and didn’t know how to relate to myself or anyone, to begin with.

On a soul level, not one of our relationships are mistakes or accidental. Every relationship is a mirror that we can use to see where we are at, where we need to heal, where we need to create boundaries and say no, and most importantly – where we need to love ourselves more. We need to develop a relationship with our true self, not our external conditioned ego self. Our soul essence is yearning to be recognized, it is crying out to be allowed to feel what has been silenced by for years by our emotional suppression. It wants to be nurtured by our relationship with it so it can blossom into it’s fullest, most beautiful expression of itself. And no relationship will be the key to set our soul free — except the relationship we have with ourselves.

“You have a greater destiny and a greater purpose. You must follow this pathway and not give it up for love or money, not for beauty, wealth or charm. If you do this, your life will be preserved, and you will be able to become strong and mature enough to engage with certain people with whom you share a greater destiny. You will find them, and they will find you. And you will be ready for one another.”

Marshall Summers

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You will know when someone important walks into your life because your soul will recognize it immediately. Your soul is not bound to space and time, and it knows because every relationship that is meant to happen has happened before, and has already happened. This is not a karma thing. You will know when someone important walks into your life because your soul will feel that it has already happened.
This is where the mind likes to step in,
“But I’ve just met them”
“But remember what happened before with this other person”
But each experience cannot be compared to any past experience, they all follow in a sequence that is perfectly designed.
Every relationship you will enter was decided upon happen long before “you” came into the picture. You can resist, but you are only postponing.
There are certain people you are meant to meet at perfectly timed moments. These relationships always have an expiration date in their physical world, but the bond your soul has with these souls is eternal. A part of you will know the second you meet these people, but you won’t know what that lesson is. But it needs to happen. So when you recognize these people, let them in, and let it happen.

Check out my partner Bernhard and our new podcast on the topic of “Discernment in Relationships”

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One thought on “Toxic Relationships, Soul Mates, and the Importance of Finding Your Purpose

  1. Excellent writing and just what I needed to innerstand today. You touched the point about my love for myself that was lacking and all that has enfolded from it came marching in, thank you
    Much love, Carole

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