I have come to realize that stored in my body, I have deep amounts of anger and disgust, and not so surprisingly, this anger turns in on itself, and becomes a resentment for my body – itself.
This has been an interesting thing to play with, and I have begun to realize how holding this energy within me manifests in my life in many ways which do not serve my own evolution – many of my bad habits of the past, that sometimes come creeping back into my present when I am not in alignment, are because I am carrying this energy within my body, and it asks and reaches for things that will comfort it in its sorrow, things that are of similar frequency to it, things that will make it feel less alone. But this trauma, it does not know how to serve its own healing, just as an addicted person will likely ask for more of the drug that kills them, this trauma asks for more of the trauma that keeps it in a state of restriction, fear, and hatred.
I’ve come to discover these feelings just like any person would – by feeling them. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, I was hit by intense nausea and hatred. Really, out of nowhere, just as I was walking to get the bus. I thought to myself – is this because I’m reading too much Donald Trump news? Am I picking up the energy of the collective? And the voice told me, yes, this is all of it and more.
The external things that trigger us are merely reflections of the energies that lay inside of ourselves. The Donald Trump out there, is the Donald Trump in me, and, funnily enough, although he obviously (still exists), the less energy I put towards him, the more he disappeared from my field of energetic influence, the less conversations I overhear in public about him, and the more I was able to focus on building community around me where people like Donald Trump would be embraced, loved, accepted for where he is at, and probably encouraged to go through many healing ceremonies where his trauma could be unpacked and washed away so he could remember the pure light of divinity he is.
However, recent news isn’t really to blame for this feeling I was experiencing, this feeling was deeper than that. It’s like that for all of us right now, as we struggle to want to blame the news for all of our depression and woes. The depression was always there, we are now just feeling and facing it in it’s fullness. And when I connected and faced my own deep inner self, within the vessel that contains it – my body, in certain poses in yoga, I found the memories and traumas that lay there. I found that every time that I acted like yes, when my body said no, was stored there. I found the many times when I saw people acting in ways which hurt, and disgusted me, yet pretended like it didn’t, was stored there. I remembered all the times I’ve said yes, when I meant no. It’s been a lot. I do not belong in this world, as I am, and it often forces me to comply to it’s expectations to serve the bottom line (capitalism). And these many instances that I have experienced, which crossed my boundary on what I felt was true and right, which I did not allow myself to feel in the moment, have been deeply stored in parts of my body that are hardest to reach – the hips, the shoulders. They latch onto these dark spaces, projecting their images into my life by the stories that they tell when new events happen. They keep telling these same stories, and the stories continue, because I believe in them. They shout, and scream, and make my body shut down, like a mad person affecting the whole room with their chaos. But these stories are only one vision of what is truly happening.
I felt for most of my journey, these bodily imbalances will be cured with yoga – as it provided a great amount of relief and insight to me before. But for me, part of my journey, now means including and trusting other people to help heal me. So, I went to an acupuncturist.
They suggested that the yoga was aggravating it, and I saw it so clearly: I am aggressively trying to treat something that is already angry itself. It makes it even angrier. It’s like vegans who freak out at meat eaters and meat eaters who freak out at vegans trying to ‘fix the other’, but ultimately, they both end up hating each other. I was approaching the battle the wrong way, with the same aggression it was already made of.
In my sessions treating the areas with acupuncture I found myself feeling afterwards the freedom, space, openness, and infinite love that I am again, fully – within my body. I found myself remembering who I was. I found myself in my true identity again, but still, the pain is there, because it creeps back, but now I know its name. I know what it does. I know where it lives, and I’m watching it: caringly.
Most importantly, today, I found out how to respond.
Because, today, it happened again. I felt someones judgements about me, which were also reflections about myself, cause my body to shut down in anger, hatred, disgust. So I set a timer for 11 minutes, and sat on my meditation mat, in child’s pose. I breathed. I struggled a bit, like someone who was pretending they didn’t want a hug. And then I relaxed. I found out what my soul needed at that moment, which was to go back to sleep, and that the reaction was in fact an over-reaction from my tired mind. And I also found the simplest, easiest, yoga move to deal with a trigger.
Go back into the womb. And breathe.