As a kid I lacked an identity. I was too many of them in one body, I had no religion. I always asked my mom “what religion am I?” Because I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. I also had a feeling she had a religion, we had a meditation room, pictures of Ganesha, and peacock feathers around the house. Yet, she didn’t really explain these things to me, they were just there. I wanted to be among my white friends who went to church, they seemed like they were considered good people. She told me “I don’t know, choose your own.”
As soon as I got the Internet it became my religion. On the Internet I finally felt free to be myself, but I didn’t like that self, so I didn’t want to be that self. Being half Asian I deeply hated looking like something that had no mirror. I didn’t know anyone who looked like me in the small town I grew up in, I didn’t have any celebrities to relate to. But, on the Internet, I could be someone else. I spent entire days using my aunt’s computer at her laundromat, the first place I knew that had internet, using IRC chat rooms. The first picture I sent was a picture of Baby Spice that I said was me. I was 11 years old, so, kinda true. I quickly became addicted to the Internet and the escape it lent, and then later, I became addicted to drugs in much the same way.
(literally the picture I sent that people actually believed was me)
I have been addicted to EVERY POPULAR DRUG. This is no joke. Psychiatric, illegal, psychedelic. I spent a good couple years documenting myself on YouTube while under the influence of drugs. I didn’t know what I was doing, really, I was just lonely. I wanted someone to see my pain. I wanted to be saved.
This didn’t work out. I got really sick and really sad and moved to Australia for several years to live with my mother.
I didn’t completely heal there, but I was able to become a bit more of a normal person. I enrolled in school, I got a cat, I got into relationships, I ate food again. It started to be human again.
(me watching tv and spending time with animals and being normal)
There seems to be a common cliche with people these days who stop doing drugs. They get really into positivity, bliss, Law of Attraction type stuff and they become hooked on the drug of God. I believe there are a lot of spiritual people who overuse social media spreading the word of God now because they are receiving the same dopamine rush from both their spiritual experiences and their social media likes that they were perhaps once receiving from drugs – they are constantly chasing a high. It’s a much more natural option, but it’s like Karl Marx says “religion is the opiate of the masses”, but now it’s more like yoga and meditation and Abraham Hicks are now the opiates of the masses.
This is pretty much what happened to me. My “healing journey” started out as some ironic joke to myself at first, because I couldn’t take anything seriously at the time.
(Me meditating with 6 ion bracelets on, lol)
But then it turned kinda serious as I actually intentionally brainwashed myself, by constantly listening to positive thinking mantras.
Don’t get me wrong – yoga, meditation, and positive thinking have *really* helped me in many ways. I had many years of trauma that coloured my mind and my body and made me incapable of forming healthy connections with other people. I thought terrible things about people all the time, I hated myself, and my body would literally become paralyzed in the presence of men because of all the sexual trauma I had been through. I really think being an attractive female in a capitalist society you often become a whore to the world. I was a candidate for that exploitation the second I turned 12. It was scary! I went through the long and relieving process of decompressing and unpacking those feelings from my mind and body from the day I began yoga.
Now, I feel like I did before I entered the misogynistic patriarchal world of capitalism, but better. I feel like I can be aware of these elements of the world and accept them without letting them bother or hurt me. These are just phases which will soon pass.
(Wheel of dharma)
Most of all, meditation has helped me gain an objective perspective of all of this. I am just one person on one part of the cycle. I had to go through those experiences to explore what trauma felt like, because deep down in the seat of my soul I felt like a bad person. So, it was part of my task of this life to explore this core belief by experiencing the life of the rejects and misanthropes of society.
(don’t have any photos of me in really dark situations so here is a photo of me trying to look bad)
In order to counterbalance all the drugs and trauma, afterwards, I decided I wanted to learn how to be a good person. I wanted to learn the unconditional love that I felt didn’t exist for me, I wanted to learn the compassion that wasn’t there for me every time I felt abandoned, and I wanted to be able to love people again without being afraid. Once I felt like these ideas felt real and possible with myself; I rebranded myself a new spiritual avatar on the Internet to act out these beliefs in the digital world, mostly because I was too afraid to go public with them because I was scared people would think I’m weird.
This sounds really contrived, and it was, as all our social media personalities are. But all of our facades, unconscious or conscious, are all the same – they are masks we hope will protect us. Our ego is the thing that constructs the stories in both our “real” life and our “virtual” one. Our changeable identity is the one thing that allows us to perform our souls wishes to experience the world. I put on a suit of spiritual armour because, I was still hurt. I didn’t want any more trauma to happen to me while I healed. It was how I protected myself.
Eventually, in becoming what I perceived to be spiritual by practicing compassion, forgiveness, unconditional love – all great qualities, I felt like I was missing something. I felt urges to do bad things even though they made me sick. And I realized, that I was simply exploring the opposite site of duality, acting “light” as a form of atonement for what I believed was a bad or dark period of my life. This was no different than my dark period. It still left me feeling isolated and trapped by my own limiting beliefs.
I also began to feel fractured because the book I had been working was not light – it is about codependency, the end of the world, distrust, mind control, and exploring my obsession with the school shooter mentality which my history of dealing with mental illness had made me felt a deep connection to. I was intentionally showing one element of myself to the world because I had hidden, was scared of, and had abandoned the other side.
This was not compassion, unconditional love, and not a true integrated healing.
I didn’t want to fall and explore the same dark side again, but at this point in my life I do not want to be seen as either. I want to a normal human.
With the release of my book I have also decided I need to also release myself from the addiction of social media for the summer and focus on my meditation practice and being in the world again. I want to practice my beliefs in person and less on social media. This doesn’t mean that I will be quitting, but I will be taking a huge break. This will allow me to narrow my focus to a few things: learning community, writing, and designing meditations. I do not want to depend on social media for dopamine and sense of connection anymore. I want to get it from the rest of the world.
I will be moving to a small island where everyone looks each other in the eye and smiles at each other when they see another person walking down the street.
It’s surrounded by endangered animals and I believe it is one of the last places of heaven left on earth.
If we are meant to enter into the “Age of Aquarius”, we must learn how to harness Aquarian energy, which means learning how to function in healthy group dynamics. I think in order to do this we must relearn the village mentality, where we connect and support one another with no fear; where we are able to show up and be there for one another in completely totality. No more gender, no more class, no more division, no more trauma and bias holding us back. This also means that we must be prepared to let go of our beliefs if they limit and segregate us in order to work with and understand the world around us. We must act in complete trust and openness.
I know this world exists on the internet – but I want to see it in real life too.
If none of our illusions are real this does not mean they are fake either, these are all parts of our learning hologram — these images we construct of ourselves in virtual and physical reality are all lessons in impermanence that we paint with stories of our own perceptions.
I think it’s possible that our ability to design our public image on the Internet may be a simulation of how the soul designs a human life on earth for it to learn its karmic lessons from. I talked about this a lot in my book.
I don’t know what is truth anymore. I often feel like now that I understand that the experience of bliss is merely just another altered state, the idea of a transcendent God has left me. I am back on earth. And there is a lot of work that needs to be done here.
“We must find out what is true in order in order to do what is right. The task of finding out what is true means the exploration of the experience of being human.” – Terrence McKenna
If you want to reach me feel free to email, firstname.lastname@example.org
And if you want to read more about my experience in transformation between dark and light, please buy my book.